My Life as it Pertains to Me Part 7: Light at the End Of the Tunnel.

The Fear of Failure Creates A Powerful Drive to Succeed

If you haven't read the rest of the story, you may want to start here: Part 1

At the end of our last blog - I was attending my second year of College, pursuing my BFA in Digital Film and Video.  I had just approached a modeling agent in an attempt to go back to work, and I had a new baby at home - on top of all that my husband and I were struggling to get a new business on its feet, and were so tight financially I was still literally praying in gas money and food much of the time. 

So as the next year unfolded, I began to pursue more opportunities in film, and began writing, directing, and producing as many projects as I could possibly get my hands on.

I think its because I was so busy with the film production aspect of things that I didn't give much thought to the fact that my new modeling agent was very rarely sending me out, and I was not booking any jobs.  It didn't help when that February I was in a car accident - which left me unable to do a decent amount of physical activity and I gained 20lbs.   Not only that, but my crazy focus to improve as a filmmaker kept me from taking care of myself and that summer I had a bit of a breakdown physically.  I was constantly fatigued, my hair had stopped growing and I was very irritable.  Maybe to some, fatigue and irritability don't seem like such a big deal - but I felt like another person, and it wasn't a person I liked.

Now at the same time that I was going through the effects of a car accident and anemia (which explained the fatigue and grumpiness)  I felt like my marriage was falling apart.  My husband made the decision to take a job for a company installing equipment in cell towers that summer.  I believe for him - to take on a job after having our 13 year construction company collapse with the economy in 2008, after which our archery company never quite took off - was in a way admitting defeat.  He became severely depressed to the point that I was frightened of him and I would do almost anything to get away. He was no longer the man that I had married, and no matter what I tried, I could not find a way to help him out of his depression.

His new job, like the last, had him traveling - he'd be gone at least four days a week, and then home for two or three on the weekend.  He worked nights, and on the weekends when he was home I was away in Portland working on films which simply added to the chaos of our already struggling marriage.

During that year, I produced the following documentary about an amazing carousel project in Albany, Oregon for a The International Documentary Challenge.  "The Romance Side" has since played in film festivals around the nation:

The Romance Side from Courtney Hermann on Vimeo.

I also produced and directed a music video for the AMAZING Jazz singer Halie Loren and her song A Woman's Way, that has broadcast internationally.  I of course worked with amazing crews to complete both of these pieces.



Now back to my life and how it was not feeling so swell.

My husband continued working the same job for about a year and a half, and things only seemed to get worse and worse during that time.  It was then that we began to look into the possibility of his job being a part of what was causing his severe depression.  We found some interesting articles that linked heavy exposure to mobile phone radiation and drops in testosterone levels, like this one from The Neurosciences Journal. Then we began to research what effects drops in testosterone might have on a man.  And found that sure enough, a side effect of low testosterone can be depression .

Now getting my husband into a doctor is more difficult than finding a needle in a haystack.  BUT, he did find another job - and although it is in the same industry, it is no longer a tech job working on the cell towers.  He is now working in management, no longer traveling consistently, and is not working nights.   He has turned 180 degrees (or is at least pretty close) back into the man I had married and loved so much.

This time was a constant emotional struggle for me.  I felt alone, sad, and that if I were to confide in anybody about the trouble I was having in my marriage, I would be betraying my husband.  I can't say how much I am relieved to be out of the thick of it.

Oh!

I feel as if I have neglected mentioning our kids in this blog.  They were there through all of it, and I'm sure you can imagine what it was like for them to be in the midst of traveling parents in a rocky marriage.  Thankfully we keep a very open dialogue with all of them, and are able to discuss most topics to the point of them understanding, and knowing that sometimes adults mess up too, but that doesn't mean mom and dad don't love them.

That almost brings us current.  There are two other items that are mention worthy in this part of the "My Life as it Pertains to Me" story.   After getting through that year and a half of misery - I realized that my current agent, although wonderful, was not the right fit.  So, I made a switch.  I approached an agency in Portland that I had been referred to from numerous friends, and  love everybody on their staff.

Still from the film Deep Dark

I couldn't be happier.  You can find my acting website here. 

Photo by Boone Rodriguez

 So things were starting to look up in every area of my life.  My art was improving - and I was starting to get paid for work, rather than interning.  My marriage was slowly beginning to heal.  I found an agent that believed in me, and desired to promote me.  And my school?  Well I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Only a year to go but now that I had started working both in front of the camera and behind it, it began to be a challenge to want to finish.  And finding the time I needed for both classes and homework was almost impossible.  But I've stuck it through and now - I will graduate in December.  I will be shooting my senior thesis in August.

The first 6 chapters of this blog have been written after I had already faced the challenges and came out okay.

Now, it becomes present tense - and the honest truth is, after all I've been through, I have realized one of my biggest fears in life is failure.   I feel as if I am at a place right now, where I will either fail or succeed.  I am shooting my senior thesis in August - and I'm afraid I might not raise enough money to pay for it.  I am graduating in December and I am afraid I might not get a job - yet not even sure I would want one that's full time.  I am afraid of growing into a successful career and not being there for my children as they grow up.  And I am afraid every day about whether or not I have done the right thing - and treated every human I've contacted with the love and respect they deserve.

You see, the reason I went to film school is because I have a desire to leave the world a better place than when I came into it.  And I believe that film is a very powerful medium that has gone the way of corporations funding films that will fill their already fat pockets.  But, for me, the thought of being able to touch one person's life and somehow make it better because of a message I sent in a film - is to have lived with purpose.

I hope you have enjoyed the journey of the "My Life as it Pertains to Me" series.  

I haven't quite finished school - so there's probably at least one more blog to come.

I will leave you with this:

If, you have been touched by my life, as I've struggled through college, then please help me complete it by supporting my Senior Thesis.  It is a film that I have poured my soul, and moments of my life into - and a film that that touches on the topic of children in need - which is something that breaks my heart.  I would give anything to end the suffering of innocent children who have no voice in our society.  So, Cedar Street, will hopefully be that voice for just a small moment in time to anyone who will take the time to watch it.

Life is All Surreal.  Dreams are something not easily obtained - but what would be so great about success if there was no struggle to look back on.

MJB

UPDATE:  

We reached our kickstarter goal, and have successfully filmed all of the live action scenes for Cedar Street. It won awards at both festivals it screened at and you can watch the completed film below:

Cedar Street from monica graves on Vimeo.

Find the rest of the series here:

Life as it pertains to me Part 1
Life as it pertains to me Part 2
Life as it pertains to me Part 3
Life as it pertains to me Part 4
Life as it pertains to me Part 5
Life as it pertains to me Part 6