How do you Teach a Bird Dog to Flush?

In response to the upcoming hunting season, in which each year I am widowed in my husbands pursuit of organic meat, I am posting a blog from a few years back. Note: This is not for the faint of heart, or stomach.

To my brother-in-law Corey.

There are two very important lessons I wish all 6 of my children would learn:

Number 1: If it's brown flush it down

Number 2: If you can't unlock it don't lock it (especially if mom's outside)


Since I am limited on time today, we will simply be addressing issue #1.

You know this one just seems like common sense, you don't leave a log in the toilet. It smells, is gross and is definitely not pretty. Although this has always been an issue in our daycare of a home, the solution was much easier before I bought my husband a bird dog with a high powered sniffer.

It used to be I'd find mister lumpy in the toilet, yell out "If you poop in the toilet you need to flush it!" so the whole neighborhood could hear, and I would flush it down myself. At least they pooped in the toilet right?

This recently has become a whole new ball game. Being a loving wife, I got my husband a beautiful black and white, lab/spaniel mix for Christmas. Okay she's a mutt, but she's a pheasant dog, so she's supposed to sniff out birds and flush them so my other half can shoot them. (Note to reader: This is food on the table) After the kill she retrieves the birds from the bushes drops them at the hunters feet, and receives an exciting doggy treat.

I recently have realized she doesn't really know the meaning of flush, although she's got the retrieve thing down pat.

You see, this dog doesn't leave her duties solely for the playing field, she likes to stay in her game, by working on her skills at home.

It all starts with a seemingly innocent dog laying by the fire minding her own business. Suddenly her nose goes into the air and immediately she is on the track of something that needs to be "flushed". I mind you this is NOT the kind of flush I am hoping for. She discretely looks around to see if anybody is watching, and when in the clear, nose to the floor she heads to the bathroom. After arriving in the desired room, the dog retrieves her "bird" and heads for the front door to enjoy her trophy.

At this point I have realized something is not quite right in our home. So I head to the other end of the house, discovering along the way drips of water all down the hall, and on the toilet seat. Upon entry of the bathroom I notice an empty toilet, but I smell poop.

Remembering there is a practicing bird dog in our home, I then angrily charge to the living room. This is where I find the retriever, who upon seeing my fumes realizes that she never gets to keep the bird for herself. "Oh yes" she thinks, "I am supposed to retrieve or fetch, and bring it to my master, drop it at their feet, and then I will get a grand treat!"

I don't think there is any need to explain what happens next in this story. I will say it is not pretty, and includes lots of yelling, running and sanitizer everywhere.

So, in closing. How do you teach a bird dog to flush?

This would solve so many problems.

As for Problem #2 we'll have to discuss that later, right now I have to tend to a toddler who has disassembled something important in the living room.


Life is All Surreal. Even in the messiest of ordeals.

MJB